Haberdashery

you rewutested a post on yor twall. so i put so many workds in ther thje that the span of time is harburf. dont pretend that stan isnt corning the branch of balisters. born again and time agian. so many perts. austreailia is the continent that also fcountries share. so weier.d

 

someone took my ha t and put them itnt the sotere. where ist he stoer you ask? so many peope go to colroada without knowineng the triangle thing si there. nobody ha sthe what if i went to the spores. if spongebob whas in the park he would put cores in the sand. if sand whas illegal i would frok out. smocks.

 

I have several hats. Four os them are sorentine. the rest of the others are camping sticks. somer is coming and the corn is ftowing sin the sticcks. sometimes is stain cobers the tan hits. banners are so the 90's coprs. beef in the cant. ballisters in the nazi corpes. soorry the taps is gone. so forviene me

 

dont make me psotes an totes machqiuiierii. that was not me. so dont balem athe on the nickers. cuz that was a monster with the arma of emtal. also the dancers cant make hats

 

peop;e m puty the corn fibers in me hats store. also so many hats are so many dollars. so the yachts cant afford them. fugude.

Wait, What?

I think one of the funniest Facebook statuses ever would be if after the world ends in 2012 someone puts "wait whats this about the world ending in 2012?"

Muslim women don’t need bluetooth technology.

I was working in Minneapolis for the last three weeks. I saw several Muslim (I think) women wearing head-dresses (is that what they are called?) Anyway, even if you already have a religion, consider switching to Islam. Why? Because they have it figured out. It’s like the entire religion was based upon cellular phone convenience. They put their phones in the little flaps by their ears. Boom! Instant hands-free phone.

Justin Bieber is my Homie!

Why hasn’t anybody tapped into the “I like Justin Bieber even though I’m a guy” movement yet? I know plenty of douche bags who think they are funny because they like Hannah Montana. So why haven’t I seen a guy wearing a “Justin Bieber is my Homie” T-shirt yet?

I think I need to be that douche bag. Hey, the kid may be a pre-pubescent sell-out, but he can sing.

2012

The 2012 Presidential election will prove one thing: whether or not you can actually go back after going black.

 

…Or maybe that is why the world ends right before inauguration! We are going to elect a white president and, as the saying goes, we are not allowed to go back to a white president after a black one. Boom. World ends.

The 2012 election is necessarily a lose-lose situation. Either he gets elected (and the world doesn’t end) or he doesn’t (and the world does end). Crap.

The Evolution of Names

A look at the cycle of names throughout American history.

Pre-America
Biblical names.
Abigail, Bartholomew, Jacob

1800 to early 1900's
Presidenty-sounding names dominated this period.
John, Thomas, and William.

Mid 1900's
Cliche names.
Frank, Mary, Bob, Stephen

Later 1900's
Micheal.
Michael

2000's
Parents give their children weird names.
Apple, Madylyyn, Ehren

The Future:
L33T Names.
3ekky (Becky), 6rE6 (Greg), $4RaH (Sarah)

Krayzhee Knaimz: A Conspiracy No More

Rich people only like two things: money and weird names. Seriously, Ichallenge you to find a multi-millionaire whose kids aren't named aftereither a fruit, a geographical location, or an ancient god/goddess.Once you are rich you can't just give your child a "normal people"name.

The wealthy are a smart bunch. They are the only ones (until now) thathave recognized and taken advantage of what I like to call theNomeneclature Cycle. It's simple really. Here are the facts: richpeople give their children strange names, people with strange names are77% more likely to become famous, ergo de facto give your kid a weirdname and he/she will become famous. This cycle is perpetually drivenand brilliantly orchestrated by the most money-loving among us.

Until now this was only a theory. Little more than speculation. But nowI bring you the truth. Bubba Sparxxx and Joaquin Phoenix know itspowers. Now it's time the rest of us learn. But we cannot all simplyexplode onto the scene with absurd titles for our children. It would befar too obvious. We must be discrete. In order to take advantage of theNomenclature Cycle one must give their child a normal sounding namewith a hidden weirdness. The secret lies within the spelling. Remember,"Walk softly and carry a big stick (which you have named stupidly)."

Choose your first child's name from the following list of phonetically"normal" and therefore poor-people-acceptable names and they are sureto be judged solely on their names rather than their character, makingthem a likely candidate for the next child star! (Hannah Montana.Brilliant rhyming scheme.)

For example, if my parents had discovered the secret they would not have named me Nick, but rather Gniqk. (Dammit mom and dad).

Jake becomes Hgaaykc
Alex should be Aaiallickxs
Zach becomes Xakck
Katie becomes Cqaihteix
Becky becomes 3ekc-i (in the modern age of computers, numbers are the new letters)
Kelsey becomes KLC

The list goes on. No longer shall the poor be inherently less likely tobe rich. If a picture is worth a thousand words (research is stillbeing done) then a name is worth a million bucks.

My New Blog

Yay! I have a blog. I am typing this as though someone other than myself will read it. Why?

I suppose this blog will just be where I publish some of my spontaneous thoughts/jokes/ideas. That is assuming I will actually return to it after this inaugural post.

I saw The Second City last night (they came to Madison for their 50th anniversary tour). They were awesome. And the best part was (my being a VIP) that I got to meet the cast after the show! In a tiny room backstage with no cameras or windows.

So, that's a decent first post right? No. But perhaps I will post some articles I've written. Yes.